


Sleep On The Floor

by ForlornFolk



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abusive Sleep | Remy Sanders, Dissociation, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Inferiority Complex, M/M, No Ending, Old Writing, Online Friendship, Self-Harm, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Tags Are Hard, Toxic Sleep | Remy Sanders, Unsympathetic Sleep | Remy Sanders, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 05:27:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 3,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30100986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForlornFolk/pseuds/ForlornFolk
Summary: A collection of ficlets centered around Janus and his not-so-great friend Remy.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders/Sleep | Remy Sanders
Kudos: 5





	1. You're No Good, You're No Good

Janus was tired. Then again, when wasn't he?

He’d stayed up all night talking to Remy again, and now he was struggling to stay awake through his classes. Even now, in the middle of class, he found ways to sneak in quick messages to his friend. He didn’t feel like talking, really, but it was a welcome distraction from the exhausting homework in front of him. The only thing keeping him awake at this point was the jolt of anxiety he got every time Remy seemed upset or unhappy.

They talked about whatever Remy wanted to, usually, whether that be his new favorite song, a rant about Starbucks, or a general complaint he had about his own life. It wasn’t exactly exciting and it definitely wasn’t uplifting, but it made Janus feel useful, and he gravitated towards it like his life depended on it. 

He had other friends, don’t get him wrong. Logan and Patton were total sweethearts, and he genuinely enjoyed their company. But he felt more open with Remy. He could bare his soul and let it be torn into fine linen strips and tied into pretty bows, all the while making someone else happy. It felt good. It felt bad. It evoked emotions in him that he hadn’t felt in a long-ass time and that was exciting and weird and fun and painful.

So while Janus may have left every other conversation with Remy feeling a bit worse, he still clung to their friendship. He held on tight to the purpose it gave him, and reminded himself of it every time life dragged him down.


	2. Fated To Be A Victim

Janus stayed home a lot. School was hard and life was harder, it seemed. Some days he just didn’t want to go to school. Other days, he was too tired to climb out of bed. Others found him too dizzy to walk, too exhausted to eat, too emotional to speak.

But he was okay, really.

Every time his issues seemed to be too much, he just reminded himself of Remy. He thought about his friend, and how sad he would be to lose Janus, and how painful it would be. When he wanted to dig his nails into his legs until they stopped feeling numb, he forced his brain to imagine a future in which he was happily chatting away with Remy, or one in which they finally met face-to-face. When his skin felt wrong and his eyes refused to focus, he thought about being useful, about being good and valuable and wanted, and it made things a little more bearable. 

So for now, Janus was okay.


	3. If You Ever Try To Leave Me...

Remy reminded Janus of someone else, sometimes. Someone rotten.

He would say something harsh or insulting without meaning to, and suddenly Janus would be back with them.   
But Remy never meant it, not really. He would apologize or explain himself. And even if it didn’t sound very genuine to Janus, he would gladly accept every word. He wasn’t worried about his own comfort anyways.

Sometimes, Janus would try to talk about his past, about them. But Remy was never very interested, so he kept it brief. To make up for his little ramblings, he would gladly take in every word Remy gave him. It was easy to listen when every part of you wanted to be useful to someone.


	4. A Coward That You And I Both Hate

Remy didn’t like being told no.

That was understandable, really. Janus didn’t exactly have the authority to tell Remy no. It really wasn’t his place to decide what Remy should or shouldn’t do, even if he himself were involved. Janus didn’t like saying no anyways. Denying his superior something they wanted made him feel horrible. It was better to go along with whatever people wanted from him, and Remy was no exception.

Sometimes, in a bout of passion or blind bravery, Janus would refuse to do something or to side with Remy. He would give his true opinion on a matter, he would tell Remy how he felt, he would explain that he didn’t appreciate something the other had done. 

Every time, he would get ignored. 

Remy would go offline, or hide his status, and wouldn’t respond for hours. When Janus would refuse to budge, Remy would quickly explain his side of the matter. He would claim he was a bad person- that Janus was right, and he was disgusting and horrible. Janus would quickly put down the negative self-talk, reminding Remy of how great he was, how sweet and understanding he could be, and how much Janus appreciated him.  
He hated seeing Remy so upset. 

If this- refusing, saying no, speaking his mind- upset Remy this much, than Janus would simply have to stop.  
He would make himself say yes, he would force himself to agree. He would be good for Remy.  
Whatever it took to make Remy happy, Janus would do in a heartbeat.


	5. You Always Said How You Love Dogs

Janus didn’t think he could consent. Not really, with his status.

For whatever reason, the universe had decided to make him objectively lesser than everyone he knew. He supposed it was vain to think he was special in that regard, but the thought of anyone else feeling as worthless as he knew he was hurt too much to consider. Perhaps he was just delusional, or struggling with some kind of complex.

Regardless of how he felt, Janus wasn’t allowed to say no to another person’s desires. Whatever his superiors wanted, he had to do. His sole purpose in life was to serve them. He wasn’t sure how he knew this was true, he just... did. It was the only way he could think to explain how helpless and small he felt, how disgusted he felt towards himself, how inferior he was to his peers. 

He was like a dog, he thought. A disgusting, mange-ridden mutt that still deserved love but had to be good to get it. Unlike a dog, however, Janus should already know how to be good. He shouldn’t have to be told not to interrupt others, or to not speak before being spoken to, or to accept whatever they give him. Thus, he deserved whatever punishment he faced when he was bad. He deserved worse.

He deserved to be yelled at, belittled, hurt. 

So he would hand himself- his body, his heart, his mind- over to whoever took pity on his sad state and took him in, and let them do whatever they wanted without complaint. Janus wouldn’t say no, wouldn’t refuse or deny his superiors what they wanted as compensation for putting up with him. 

He owed them everything he had for their mercy. And in return, maybe they wouldn’t hurt him quite so badly.


	6. You Must Like Being The Victim

Remy liked it when Janus didn’t put up a fight.

He liked it when Janus would go along with something without an ounce of hesitation. He would praise Janus for blindly going along with an idea or plan. He would tell Janus he was good, and treat him like something of value and worth.

Remy would seem so happy and say the nicest things when Janus was good. He was always in a better mood when Janus was good.  
It felt so much better seeing his friend happy and excitable and silly than it did being ignored.

So Janus said yes.

He didn’t realize it would land him here, though in hindsight, he probably should have.


	7. The Damage Has Been Done

Janus realized one day that he was being trained. 

Intentionally or not, Remy was teaching him how to be good. He was helping Janus learn how to serve the important people in his life. With a few kind words and a healthy dose of anxiety, Remy had steered him towards the path of being a useful tool for those he held dear. The act was as sweet as it was nauseating.

Janus didn’t like having to change for the people he loved. It was messy, and involved suppressing a lot of emotions and pain, but it was necessary. He was inherently bad- a filthy, disgusting mutt that didn’t deserve the food on its plate- but he could become good. Remy would help him be good.

He spent the entire night listening to Remy, speaking when spoken to, and forcing down the miserable sobs that shook his entire body.

He would be good.   
It’d just take some time.


	8. I Live To Serve, Sir

Tea was Janus’s newest friend.

The big, albino ball python had wormed her way right into his heart, her tank ending up on his dresser as he put together his savings (along with some helpful contributions from his mom) to get her everything she needed. His mom had been the one to get her, taking her from a coworker who couldn’t keep her anymore, and Janus couldn’t be more thankful. Everything seemed brighter when he got to see Tea at the end of the day. She was big and bulky, a heavy weight that Janus took comfort in wrapping around his shoulders when he got home from school.

He’d expressed his excitement and joy about Tea to all of his friends, showing off pictures of her and babbling on about how adorable and sweet she was. It was great, having something that actually made him want to get up and take on the day, if only to spend time with Tea at the end. He even had a bout of artistic inspiration, making a dozen little paper hats for her. Logan and Patton were content just listening to his excited rambling, happy that he was happy.

Remy, though…

|| StarbucksSlut: Sometimes I think you love that snake more than me

Janus tried to not bring it up with him.


	9. Disobedient

Remy had asked Janus to remind him to go to bed.

And while that wasn’t an issue by itself, it kind of made Janus uncomfortable. He didn’t like having responsibilities, especially one that involved someone else. But this was Remy, Janus’s superior and friend. He could do a simple job for Remy. He owed this to his friend. And, besides, Remy always seemed happy when Janus followed the simple command.

So, every night when midnight struck for Remy, Janus would remind him to get some rest.

He didn’t see why he had to remind Remy- it wasn’t that hard to just tell yourself to go to bed, or to keep an eye on the time. And Remy rarely even listened to Janus anyways, so what did it matter?

But he kept at it, because Remy wanted him to. 

One day, when Janus was feeling particularly low, he’d tried striking up a conversation with Remy. He didn’t really care what they talked about. He just needed something to keep his mind off of how sharp his nails could be, or how easy it was to bite his cheek until it bled. Besides, he and Remy talked every day- this wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.

But Remy never replied. Even when Janus asked for help, worried that he’d start to spiral soon if he didn’t get out of his own head, Remy remained silent despite the clear online beside his name.

Hoping he could just read some messages from his and Remy’s shared chat to distract himself, he scrolled through the mess of text, finding most of it was from Remy himself. 

He didn’t seem upset or unable to talk. He was just talking to their friends. Maybe he just… didn’t want to talk to Janus.

But that was fine. Remy didn’t owe Janus anything.

He shouldn’t be so dependent, anyways.

A new message caught his eye, and he typed out a response without thinking. Remy was quick to reply.

|| StarbucksSlut: Shit, look at the time!  
|| StarbucksSlut: Janus, why didn’t you remind me?  
|| StarbucksSlut: You can’t even do your one job right

Panic had been lingering in Janus’s body all day, but now it came through forcefully, his arms shaking pitifully as he read the message over and over. Fear and anger fought in his mind, unsure of what to say, not knowing what to do. 

Remy had ignored his messages all day, the furious part of his brain argued, then expected Janus to do his stupid nightly chore for him. When Janus hadn’t (because he was panicking and crying all night), Remy had publicly called Janus out for it, in front of all of their friends. 

Another part of his brain, quiet and meek yet somehow so much more powerful, begged him to apologize. Remy had given Janus a very simple job, after all, and he should be able to complete it. Remy could have asked him for so much more, could punish him so much more, but he hadn’t. Remy was good and merciful and didn’t deserve to deal with Janus’s incompetence. 

Struggling to keep himself from crying again, Janus did his best to ignore his internal argument as he typed out his response.

|| DoubleDee: I’m sorry.


	10. I Hope I Crash Tonight

Janus didn’t like this.

Remy was pushing at his boundaries, poking at the cracks in his foundations and looking for his weaknesses. Janus had already bared himself for the other to mold and shape as he saw fit, but that wasn’t enough. Janus would never be enough.

Laying himself out on his bed, Tea settling on his chest, he struggled to figure out what he should do. Remy wanted something he couldn’t provide- something he didn’t want to give. 

It wasn’t a particularly difficult task, really, but…

Janus didn’t want to do it.

That should have been reason enough. He should be able to just say “I’m not comfortable with that,” or “I don’t want to talk about that,” or “please stop, Remy.” But that wouldn’t be enough. Janus wasn’t enough. 

So, with a deep breath and a shudder of fear, he offered Remy a mix of truth and desperation;  
|| DoubleDee: Im not really comfortable with that?  
|| DoubleDee: Plus I don’t think I’d be very good at it anyways.

Remy was quick to reply:  
|| StarbucksSlut: Dont worry, you’ll learn! 

Janus was going to be sick.


	11. Cool To The Touch

There were many things Janus wasn’t allowed to do.

Upsetting Remy was high on that list.

It didn’t take much to frustrate Remy, though, and it seemed inevitable that Janus would earn a punishment in some way or another. Saying ‘no’ garnered silence, begging for them to stop got him a guilt-trip, and going along with Remy’s “game” left him cowering like a dog to a raised fist. This new task that Remy wanted to teach him left him feeling weak and cold, but refusing to comply hurt so much worse.

He wasn’t surprised that his own discomfort was ignored in favor of Remy’s entertainment, but a part of him couldn’t help but feel it was unfair.

That same part of him fought against every lashing word that he told himself, breaking down the degrading names and sick metaphors he used to justify his own existence. You’re delusional, he’d tell himself. Just thinking the wrong things. Not a dog, not bad, just a person-

And yet a much larger part of himself had already given into the curdled comfort of having a purpose as Remy’s mutt. It was painful and scary and make his stomach churn, sure, but at least he knew his place. It was better to be miserable than stray, he told himself. It was better to do what Remy wanted and still have their mockery of companionship than to be completely alone. 

So he played along in Remy’s game. He’d curl in on himself and swallow down his bile, and his fingers would shakily type out replies consistently enough for him to stay safe. No punishments came when he managed to work through the terror curling through his chest. No being ignored or talked about behind his back would follow the poorly-written responses. And, Janus soon learned, if he blurred his vision and forced his mind to go fuzzy and faint, he wouldn’t even remember writing them.


	12. I Am Injury!

Huddled in his closet, clutching a stuffed animal embarrassingly tightly to his chest and choking on sobs, sat Janus.

If one were to approach him at the moment, he would back away, let out a pitiful whimper and hide his face. Luckily, the only person who could see him was Tea, and she never judged him when he got like this.

Shaking, he forced himself to focus on his surroundings. Several deep, steadying breaths and quick glances around his room later, his heart was calming the slightest bit, and he struggled to remember why he’d fallen into a panic. He’d been fine when-

'Gonna hit me- Remy’s going to hit me because I was bad. He’s going to hit me and I’ll have deserved it and-'

Remy had gotten mad, and Janus had hid himself in his closet when his brain screamed ‘danger.’

Forcing his shaky hands to type, he squinted his blurry, tear-filled eyes and forced out a message. 

|| DoubleDee: Im so sorryy, Remy.


	13. Chapter 13

The closet became Janus’s preferred place to hide. Any time Remy got mad or upset or simply stopped talking to Janus, he’d hide himself away, waiting for strikes that would never come. 

It was delusional, he knew, to expect someone several hundred miles away to somehow raise a fist to him. But that knowledge was lost every time Janus said no or failed a task, the expectation of punishment far stronger than any logical thought. He’d work himself up just thinking about it, knowing that, even if Remy could never actually hit him, he’d fully deserve the pain. Remy owned him- that much was clear every time Remy got protective or called Janus his. He had every right to do whatever the hell he wanted with Janus. Any punishment would be deserved, and any treatment would be fair and reasonable and earned.

Truly, it wasn’t the idea of being hit that scared Janus, but rather the knowledge that Remy could (should) do it. Hell, Janus would probably thank him for it. He’d take whatever Remy gave him, because he knew he’d never get anything better.

So Janus would sit in his closet, shaking and scratching up whatever skin he could reach every night. He always brought his laptop with him, making sure he did whatever Remy asked of him, lest the other start to find him unsatisfactory.

That was another terrifying thought- being useless to Remy. Useless things got thrown away, and useless dogs got put down. Neither option particularly appealed to Janus, but he knew better than to complain about it. He’d earned his position at the bottom, and he’d accepted a long time ago that he’d never escape it.

Some nights he’d manage to calm down. Others would find him lying on the floor and staying awake all night, waiting for Remy so he could be useful once more. Remy rarely seemed to care about his exhaustion or his presence, but Janus would fight to stay awake regardless. Better to be there in case Remy needed something than to get rest he didn’t deserve.

And, truly, Janus didn’t deserve to rest.


	14. Keep On Using Me

Janus was in his closet again.

He hadn’t planned on hiding away in the tiny room, wrapped in his softest blanket and forcefully ignoring his own thoughts, but here he was. With shaky hands, he wrapped Tea around his shoulders and leaned back against the closet wall, alternating between breathing and grounding exercises. 

‘I should reach out to someone,’ he thought. ‘I need a friend right now.’

Following his thought process, he grabbed his laptop and pulled up Remy’s messages. He was halfway through typing out a greeting before he paused. Remy had never liked when Janus vented to him. More often than not, Janus would get ignored, with his friend never responding until he apologized for being upset. On some rare occasions, Remy would encourage Janus to talk before immediately changing the subject, talking about himself or pressuring Janus into some overly-sexual chat that he didn’t want any part in. 

Maybe he’d be better off on his own… 

His mind immediately wandered to the image it’d been toying with all day; Janus, doped out on his mother’s meds and cut open, his organs neatly spread around him as he explored his own innards. His fingers itched with the phantom sensation of tearing at flesh, and he forcefully shook his head, pulling himself from his morbid thoughts. He tried to perform his grounding exercises, but his brain seemed intent on threatening him with gorey daydreams he had to fight to escape from. He had to reach out to someone, he knew, or he might actually end up hurting himself. With renewed urgency, he typed out a quick “not doing great, can we talk?” Which was quickly followed up with “Please, Rem. I’m really struggling.”

He tried to ignore the hurt he felt when, hours later, his message remained unanswered despite Remy being active in other places. Once four long hours had passed, he gave in to the need to apologize.

Of course, Remy responded within seconds.

|| StarbucksSlut: mhm  
|| StarbucksSlut: you’re okay

Janus wasn’t sure if that meant he was forgiven, or if Remy was trying to say Janus was fine and had no reason to be upset. 

Either way, he was just happy Remy was talking to him.


End file.
